Life in our large…and growing, family…

…is NO joke! Extremely trying on the patience! There are 7 of us, and another one on the way, and many have asked, “How do you cope?”

At the moment, we are husband, myself, three girls, and then two boys – NO maid! Our kids are aged between 9 years to 17 months. We are constantly getting stares and bemused looks from our neighbours. I think they’re surprised we aren’t destitute by now in this climate of recession! How come our kids are not wild and unkempt? I sometimes wonder too! But you know what? We’re living proof that it’s possible – on one income, no maid and no superhuman talents. Here are some questions asked by many other families, which I will attempt to answer to appease the curious!



How do you apportion your time and attention to your children, ensuring that each of them is given equal priority?

We take the cue from our kids. I don’t believe in suffocating their independence, so they learn to express themselves properly when they need our attention, a listening ear or help in doing something - homework, a task, a question answered. Then, we try to tend to them immediately, or teach them to wait patiently. The older ones know that all they need to say is “Mum, I need to talk about something important, in private”, and I’ll drop what I’m doing to listen. But we recognize that children need space to discover their own self, and to relate to their environment so we don’t try to fill their every waking moment with an organized activity. Things usually fall into place quite naturally: when the older ones are in school, I spend time with the youngest boy, talking and showing him things around the house whilst I go about the housework or exploring the neighbourhood if I need to go to the shops. Then, as the others come home, he gradually takes the back seat, and my attention shifts to the others. I talk to them over lunch, have quiet one-on-one time with the other boy just before nap time, sit with the girls at homework time, chat at tea time. These are opportunities to learn about their good and bad habits, their likes and dislikes, their fears and anxieties. Of course, there will be the fights for attention during conversations – one is telling me about her problem with a classmate, and another is whining about not wanting to eat his vegetables. These are opportunities to teach respect, turn-taking in conversations, patience, listening and learning about the habits and characters of their siblings. This is how we show that everyone in the family is important.



What is a typical school day like?

Not very different from any other family’s, I suspect. If you’re curious about timing, this is the schedule in summary: We wake up at 6 a.m. Breakfast is quick and simple, but a must. Dad and the two older ones are out at 7 a.m. I’ve drawn up a schedule for the kids on getting ready for school, complete with timing for washing up, getting dressed, breakfast, getting bags ready at the door, and putting on socks and shoes. It helps everyone to stay on track, not perfectly, but at least there’s a mental guide. Once, the kindergarteners are out of the house too by 8.15 a.m. it’s time for most of the housecleaning and cooking, marketing, and a bit of play with the toddler. From 12.30 p.m. onwards, the others start streaming home again. Lunch is staggered between then and 3.00 p.m. The kids wash their own dishes and clean the table for homework. During this time, whilst the older ones eat, I read to the younger ones and then they sometimes take a nap. Homework stretches from 3.00p.m. to 5.00p.m. From then until about 7.00p.m., we can be reading, playing a game, at the play ground, doing craft, watching some T.V. and taking turns to bathe. Dinner is at 7.00 p.m. and bedtime from 8.00p.m. We try not to get too worked up if timings go a little awry because of bouts of stubbornness, inefficiency, accidents…but we do tell them there are consequences to face in wasting time.



How are weekends spent?

I have a great mum-in-law who willingly takes over the kids on most Saturdays and Sundays. With her as baby-sitter, and my husband, the chauffeur, we are free to run errands that I haven’t managed to do during the week, take the kids to the park, ride their bicycles at the open space near our block of flats, have lunch at our favourite banana leaf restaurant, celebrate a birthday. This is also where we keep ourselves tuned in to opportunities for more focussed time with one or two of the kids instead of 5 at a go. If the two older girls are attending a Saturday morning class somewhere, we take them out for brunch after that without the younger, more whiny siblings who stay with grandma. Or if the older ones prefer to stay home to do their own thing, we take the boys down to the playground. Sunday lunches with grandparents are also a common feature.



With time in short supply, how do you and your husband ensure that you have time for each other?

We strongly believe that the relationship between husband and wife is the most important in a marriage and for the family. Again it’s a practice in being attuned to the opportunities of time. There IS time if you want it. For us, the opportunities come in the form of good ol’ mum-in-law. Whilst she baby-sits, my husband and I take the opportunity to be away from the kids to spend some time alone, sit at a coffee shop for a leisurely tea or coffee and kaya toast and talk in between running errands or waiting to pick up the girls. We’ve also had opportunities to catch some good movies.

Secondly, in our weekday schedule which is stuck up on the family’s notice board, 9.00 p.m. onwards states “Free time for Mum and Dad”. I make sure the kids are aware of it. Once they are put to bed, I usually don’t entertain any more requests for food or drink or stories unless it’s a dire need. They learn that there’s a time for everything, and Daddy is just as important to me as they are.



What type of support is there in case a child or you, the mother, falls ill, or has to go for medical appointments?

We use the polyclinic, which is a ten-minute walk from where we live. I try to manage on my own, taking the kids with me if there aren’t too many of them. If not, my husband takes urgent leave from work and one of us stays with the kids while the other goes to the doctor. Failing which, mum-in-law, who stays within walking distance, comes over to help. Staying in a neighbourhood that meets practically all your daily needs allows me to be quite independent! But I also have good-hearted neighbours who have offered to help in case of emergencies. I’m learning to accept help from others outside of the family as well. I think it’s important to let people put their good intentions into practice!



What is your husband’s role in the upbringing of the children? How much time does he give to his role as father and in helping with the household chores? How does he balance work and home life?

I have a very family-oriented husband. We believe in being united in the kind of values and habits we want to impart to our children. I tell Perrin about what I’m doing with the kids, what their points of weaknesses are, and what I’m trying to do about it, and he supports me or gives me alternative views. Although he’s at work most of the day, Perrin makes it a point to be as involved as possible in the mornings – he helps the girls get ready for school on time by keeping time. His advantage is that of being less often heard during the day, so if Daddy says in a stern voice to ‘get out of bed and brush your teeth!’, the response is usually quicker than if I were to do it! In terms of household chores, he always calls just before coming home to ask if I need any other groceries. He washes the pots, pans and other dishes left in the sink after dinner if I’m busy attending to the kids during their bedtime routine. He also sweeps the floor when I haven’t done it!

He spends time with the kids by taking them to the playground or to the public library in the evenings when he gets home early enough before dinnertime (usually by 6p.m.) whilst I prepare dinner. The work and family life balance for him is clear. Once home, priority goes to the family, and even if he has some work or lessons to prepare, or scripts to mark, he does it when we’re in bed. As he’s a teacher, holidays are great for him and the kids. We’ve explored many parks in Singapore, squashed in our trusty Toyota Altis! The kids find in him and me a balance of rules and fun in different styles.



Do you find that you have to occasionally deprive your children of material goods – e.g. latest gadgets and toys? How do you teach your children not to succumb to the peer pressure of having to own the ‘in’ things?

I think many of us are tempted to buy many things for our children as expressions of love and affection for them. Right from the time our eldest child was born, my husband and I have tried to put what we believe into practice: love and affection is not necessarily expressed in material forms. Praises, hugs, kisses, doing things together give them more joy. In fact material things are just a means to an end: we need clothes to dignify the body, food to keep us healthy and alive, toys, games and books to keep our minds and spirits active, entertainment as break from study or work. Beyond that, to want these things is to be excessive and vain. This is the principle we live by. We’re not afraid to say ‘no’ when we feel the kids are asking in excess. We ask them is it because everybody else has it? And then, we ask, why do we need to have the same thing as everybody else? Is it true that everybody else has it? …..

We haven’t needed to fight very hard on this point, because we never make them feel that they’re deprived and needy. We simply emphasize not wasting resources, and the difference between needs and wants. When we go shopping, we buy things that we need and last as long as they are needed. Shopping is never a pointless activity. If we don’t need to replace something we need, we don’t take the family out shopping.



Do your children have enrichment classes like many have – music, swimming, dance, speech and drama, etc?

No, if you mean the paying sort that many children attend in the evenings after school or on weekends. Of all the above, we see swimming as the only necessity, which we did have for our eldest child, until she kept falling sick with asthma. We would like to pick that up again when we can. Otherwise, opportunities to try such activities out are provided eventually in the primary and secondary schools either free or subsidised, and we see no need to keep up with the Joneses. In the meantime, we prefer to spend time exploring with our kids rather than to spend time ferrying them to and from enrichment classes.



Are you concerned about your children having to attain high academic grades? Or do you let them find their own level?

We expect our kids to study and learn as best as they can, by developing all the good habits of order, patience, perseverance, fortitude, industriousness, responsibility, humility etc. This is done in the homework that they do, on their own motivation everyday which we support by our presence and guidance when necessary. We also try to answer their many questions of ‘why…?’, “how…?’, ‘what…?’, and look up answers together when we don’t know. A love for learning is more important than high academic grades, especially in our grade and exam-oriented education system.



When was the last time that you went out with your friends or do you have to put these outings on hold? In this case, how do you maintain friendships?

I’ve discovered that one does not need to go out with friends for lunch or tea to maintain a friendship. In fact, many of my friends who are married with even 1 or 2 kids don’t have time to go out with me! That said, I make friends with the other mums in my block, the mothers of my daughters’ friends and basically kill several birds with one stone. I host a homemaking support group once a month at my place in the mornings, and keeping to a licensed homemaking skills guide, we discuss and share homemaking skills and about how we manage our families. Then we exchange news about what our kids do, their interests, habits and problems. It’s a great way to find out if we have the same or conflicting value systems. Anyone else out there interested to join our group?



How do you allocate time to yourself, for your own enrichment – reading, or keeping up with current events?

Again, like any other woman, I multi-task. If I’m sitting with my toddler in his room, and waiting for him to fall asleep, I have a book with me and read for that 15 to 30 minutes that he takes to get sleepy and fall asleep. In the meantime, he learns to play quietly on his own, and lately has begun to pick his own board books off his shelf to ‘read’! My husband also sometimes fills me in on current events, or clues me in on interesting books I wouldn’t have picked up on my own. Sometimes, if the older kids ask a question, which I can’t answer, we look it up in the books together, and get enriched that way too!

Having a large, young, relatively cash-strapped family in Singapore means going against the grain in almost everything. One problem is that many people don’t believe it possible because of what we’re afraid to give up. We’ve learnt not to be control-freaks or to hold on to our plans too tightly, because circumstances and people cannot be totally controlled. Also, our Catholic faith helps us keep our feet firmly planted on the ground, and prayer, as part of our family routine keeps us sane. The trick is to live, love and laugh!

Elaine is a mother of five children with another on the way. She is a full-time stay-at-home mum, and manages with no domestic helper. If you are interested in the homemakers’ discussion group, guided by HomeAdvantagePlus (http://www.homeadvantageplus.com/ ), please e-mail at elainegeh@pacific.net.sg.