In the article, “Discipline – The Authoritative Parent” in the previous issue of Family Tone, we established the need for parental authority in discipline.
But it may be interesting to reflect on why we reward or punish our children. The obvious answer would be to educate them to improve in a mode of behaviour, an aspect of character, etc. But reflect a little more and we could be asking ourselves:
“Every time I reward or punish my child, am I really thinking of educating him/her?”
Do we find that sometimes we punish our children in retaliation, like when a child hurts us, and we hit back? Or do we do it to vent our frustrations, when he whines and we’ve had a hard day and we send him to his room? Or do we do it at our whims and fancies? When we feel happy, we buy a gift to reward him, and when we aren’t…!
Educational Objective
Many of us do use rewards & punishment in disciplining our children. They are necessary in every family. They form an integral part of the parents’ service of authority. Rewards and punishments should always be directed towards the educational objective of the child. Hence, they ought to be a consequence of conduct and are not to be used vindictively. |
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It is good to know that there is a whole gradation from rewards to punishments. So before you implement the worst punishment or give the best reward, think about the gradation and see if there is something you can do in between. That way, the worst punishment and the best reward will be more effective tools in motivation and education of the child.
Let’s now think about rewards and punishments a little more.
Rewards
Many of us focus on punishments rather than rewards. That is because humans tend to concentrate on the negative. But positive discipline encourages our children to behave better and is more effective. It is logical then that rewards are always preferable to punishment.
It is important to note that there is a difference between gifts and rewards. We tend to associate gifts with rewards. But rewards are not gifts. Gifts are given freely, and are not conditioned by any behaviour. The most essential gift is LOVE. In the realms of reward and punishment, the love of parents should be felt. Rewards are ways of approving behaviour and of recognizing tasks done well.[1]
Children need to know what behaviour is desired from them. Hence we should focus on praising and recognizing tasks and behaviours that are desired. They serve as stimuli/ motivation to continue this good behaviour. However not all that is done well should receive a corresponding reward. This could harm a child’s generosity.[2]
Rewards should refer not to the BEING but to the DOING. That is we still love the child irrespective of their behaviour but the reward & punishment should signify approval or disapproval on the behaviour, not the person.
Moderation is key! Rewards have to be given with moderation. If children live with a lot of gifts, their every need is satisfied. It is hard then to have any rewards to entice them. They are not bothered whether they have rewards or not.
 Punishments
Likewise, punishments should refer to the DOING and not the BEING. Love and punishments are not opposites. It is good to remember these:
“Love the sinner, Hate the sin” and “Correct the fault, not the person.”
Punishments imposed should as far as possible be a direct consequence of the wrong doing. It has to be just. An interesting thing I learnt over the years from other parents is that the punishment or consequence need not be painful.
Many people tend to think that if the punishment is not painful, it will not have any effect. But think about the natural consequences we get ourselves. If we are absent-minded and forget where we placed some important document, the consequence is that we end up spending time looking for it. We will be more careful and ensure that we put it at a stipulated place. For children it is the same. It brings to mind this quote:
“When a child can be brought to tears, and not from fear of punishment, but from repentance, he needs no chastisement. When the tears begin to flow from the grief of their conduct you can be sure there is an angel nestling in their heart. “ [3]
It is also good to save the painful punishments for the bigger “crimes”.
What could contribute to efficient and good results are such simple things as:
- making orders as clear and concise as possible;
- reasonable threats;
- limit deprivation of toy to a brief period;
- limit a period of imposed isolation with the purpose of calming the child down, and not to give the impression of rejection;
- let children participate in devising rules & regulations in the family;
- periodically review rewards & punishments established with the collaboration of both parents and children. [4]
I have found it a good practice to sit down when I am calm and think about possible consequences or punishments that I can use. What I also did was to have a consequences jar. In there, pink slips were for good deeds and yellow ones for punishments. Rewards included items like “Go to the playground”, “Get to decide menu for one day”, “Get one sweet”, etc. Punishments went “No desert for one meal”, “Wash the cups for one day”, “Cannot watch first 10 mins of Hi-5”, etc. The amazing thing about this was when the kids were told about this, they were keen to get the pink slips, so they did what they could to get it! The corresponding result was that everyone was happy!
As kids grow older, the consequence jar may not work as well but it is still good for the family to sit down and write a list of rewards and punishments. The children contribute to this list. This practice gives parents and children a calm environment to discuss and think through clearly and without being emotional. Rewards and punishments given in a spur of the moment often lead to regrets.
Points of reflection
Here we have a list, not exhaustive, of conditions in rewards & punishments, presented as a suggested basis for personal reflection:
- aim to establish some definite rights & obligations according to the ages of the children;
- aim not to oblige the first-born to keep on sacrificing his own interests in order to set an example for the younger siblings all the time;
- aim not to coerce anyone emotionally (e.g. I will not love you anymore if you continue this bad behaviour);
- aim to fulfill promises made;
- aim to explain the reward/punishment to the child;
- aim to impose rewards/punishments that are oriented to the future;
- connect the reward/punishment with the fault;
- think before imposing a punishment, and then be firm yet flexible;
- put a term to the punishment (e.g. do not say “you will not have sweets anymore” or “I will not bring you out anymore”);
- aim not to accumulate threats - our authority as parents wear out with accumulated threats;
- aim not to describe to the child in detail all the possible catastrophes which can happen to him as a result of his failure to obey;
- aim not to use confinement (e.g. in relative’s house) as a threat;
- aim not to destroy the reputation of the child especially when he has learned to establish it;
- aim not to disregard help from others;
- avoid excessively numerous prohibitions;
- avoid permanent confiscation of gifts;
- aim to allow a reasonable amount of time for whatever improvement is desired;
- strive to keep rewards/punishment proportionate to the deed/misdeed;
- avoid corporal punishments (e.g. caning- use these very sparingly, it’s effectiveness will be inversely proportional to its frequency) ;
- avoid weakness (that is when a parent gives up punishing/rewarding. They say to the child something like “What for? It is useless? Choose whatever you want to do. I give up.”).[5]
With the above conditions, you can make the policy of rewarding and punishing a powerful educative tool in your family.
Also, remember that “Once the punishment is applied, the slate is wiped clean. The mistake is forgotten”[6] Let’s deal with our children with mercy and love. We want to be able to provide for them an environment that forgives them and helps them to start over again and again. We all make mistakes and the family is where we want our children to be able to get the support to pick themselves up and begin again.
Not WHAT but HOW is important
Having said all that about rewards and punishments, this may be a good opportunity for some serious reflection on the discipline policy in our homes.
Whilst it is important WHAT we do, what is more important is HOW we do it.
A reproach done with calmness and serenity is far more effective than a flying rage, an insulting tone or a disapproving expression. Of course, this is easier said than done. But we should strive to be calm and constant in order to reap the effectiveness of our discipline style. Whatever can be achieved by a glance or gesture will not need any words at all. In a climate of trust, only a few words will suffice in order to understand and be understood.
A good disposition does not mean that we are nice to our children all the time and it need not lose the seriousness of the matter. We can discipline with affection and not aggression or sarcasm. We should seek to educate the child and not HURT him.
Final Word
Each family will have their own system of rewards & punishments. There is no right and wrong way. But the key message here is the positive attitude we, as parents, should have rewarding and punishing our children.
So after establishing your authority as a parent and considering the conditions above, I wish you all happy parenting!
Resource Material
[1] Oliveros F. Otero, “Authority & Obedience. Focus on Family Life” pg 71 - 72
[2]ibid
[3] Horace Mann, 1796-1859, American Educator
[4] Oliveros F. Otero, “Authority & Obedience. Focus on Family Life” pg 71 - 72
[5] Oliveros F. Otero, “Authority & Obedience. Focus on Family Life” pg 67 - 69
[6] Andrew Mullins, Parenting for Character, pg 25
Clarissa is a mother of four with a background in finance. She is the current coordinator of FES’ Family Education Program, a one-year parenting programme which was started in September 2000. It is designed to form parents as primary educators of their children.
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