Temperance (Sophrosyne in Greek) is the practice of moderation. It is a quality or virtue that cuts across cultures and religious beliefs. It was one of the four "cardinal" virtues held to be vital to society in Hellenic culture. It is one of the Four Cardinal Virtues considered central to Christian behaviour and is an important tenet of the moral codes of other world religions including being one of the Five Precepts of Buddhism.
Classically, temperance was defined as governing natural appetites for the pleasure of senses according to the bounds of reason. No virtue could be sustained in the face of inability to control oneself, if the virtue was opposed to some desire; this is why it is classified as a cardinal virtue, where "cardinal" signifies "pivotal”.
When we think of natural appetites, what comes to mind are eating, drinking and the practice of sexual intercourse. But we also have a natural appetite (inclination) for many other things, including sleeping, shopping, television, computer games, internet surfing, reading, chatting with friends, dancing and partying.
There are many objects and activities at our disposal that are good. Some are essential to life, eg, food, drink and rest. Others befit our nature as people in a social community, such as working (to contribute to the development of society with our talents) and fostering friendships. These things which are good and essential need to be carried out and enjoyed in moderation. If we continue with that activity for a disproportionate amount of time or in excess then that beneficial thing runs the risk of taking over our lives, causing harm to us and turning into a monster.
For instance, a game of cards among friends or a social drink at the bar are social activities; a regular visit to the shops is a necessary task. But combine inadequate personal formation, a weak will, lots of spending money and too much free time, and these can easily become addictive behaviours. These become no longer meaningful activities that fulfil a social or other necessary end, but wind up becoming obsessions. Even if the addiction is conquered, the nightmare can often persist in the form of credit card debt.
Unfortunately, this potent blend of poor character development, a feeble will, affluence and excess free time is an all too common phenomenon.
A NECESSARY VIRTUE
We need to train children from very young in this virtue. Little children start off in life with a voracious appetite for anything that gives them pleasure including food and toys. As they develop and grow, there are new attractions and temptations. Teenage hormones create potent sexual urges. Leaving home for university means total administration of one’s own time. The first pay cheque creates a heady sense of financial liberation. Entering the working world means spending many hours a day with colleagues of the opposite sex – how should a married man devoted to his wife handle this?
TEMPERANCE IS CRITICAL TO HAPPINESS
Freedom is the ability to choose what is good and what leads to our happiness. Freedom is not the capacity to choose what makes me miserable. Eg, a chain smoker may think he smokes, because he is ‘free’ to do what he wants. But in fact, he is not free at all. On the contrary, he is a slave to his lack of mastery over smoking. Many intelligent people know they are not supposed to smoke, because it would be a serious detriment, but they still do. If only he could follow what he knows to be right and good, happiness would be his.
Apply that to all the appetites, past-times and pleasures that we could possibly enjoy. True freedom would be achieved if I am able, at any moment, to do what my intellect and conscience know to be correct. This calls for a heroic practice of temperance.
A self-controlled person is therefore able to think of others and contribute to society. A self-controlled person has little time to dwell on personal indulgences but is concerned about the needs of others. He is always dignified in his bearing. He leads a very fulfilled life.
A self-controlled person is also an orderly person, since he is able to live according to priorities, to make it for appointments on time, and to plan. He commands respect because he is able to keep his word. People who are regularly late or disorganised are often that way, because they don’t have the self-discipline to stop what they are doing on time, or to begin the next task according to the schedule. (One more minute, they say, and it becomes ten.) In other words, temperance is necessary to succeed in all areas, including studies, professional work and marriage.
“Anybody can do what they feel like doing. But if you can do things you don’t feel like doing, you can do anything.” – A mother of two girls, “Character Matters”, Thomas Lickona, Pg 125
RAISING CHILDREN IN TEMPERANCE
a. Train the will from birth
“You might think that a child who is allowed to do exactly what he wants, when he wants, would be happy and carefree. But that’s not the case… Too much freedom doesn’t tell a child that you love him so much you want him to have anything and everything, it tells him that you are not bothering to show him where the limits are. Children who go undisciplined are often frightened, insecure, angry, confused and unhappy.” - Supernanny Jo Frost, “How to Get the Best from Your Children” Pg 62
Temperance is a virtue. Virtue = good habit. Between the ages of 2-3, a child lacks the ability to reason. So parents have to impose controls on his unlimited desires. A persistent 2-year-old, at the expense of his parents’ nerves, would, for instance, eventually get used to the fact that he will never be granted a 3rd serving of ice-cream, and would hopefully quit trying to ask.
Between 4-5 years old, he may have a better idea why he shouldn’t have that 3rd serving of ice-cream because by this age, he is able to reason a little. But even so, his will gets the better of him, so Mum and Dad still play an important role in restricting him and in so doing, give clear messages about what is sufficient versus excessive. This imposition of limits should continue well through the childhood years and into his adolescence.
Although temperance is externally imposed, its ability to form a lifelong virtue should not be underestimated. It would be a mistake to wait till the child is better able to reason, to introduce the concept to him.
Here is why. The intellect (ability to reason) and will (inclination) are not the same thing. If we are not able yet to train the intellect, we can however start with the will. In theory, when our intellect has reasoned that something is the right action to take, the will naturally complies, because it is after all, for my good. Eg, if I know (intellect) it would kill me should I fall off the edge of a cliff, I wouldn’t want to (will) go near it. But life is seldom this straight forward.
Just because the intellect is informed, doesn’t mean that the will naturally complies. A rational teenager in the school debating team or a person trained to be logical, (a lawyer, for instance) may know that casino gambling is potentially addictive. But come the 20th round of cards and it is past the time he planned to go home, either he doesn’t realise he has entered the point of danger; or he is aware but unable to leave the gambling table. Might it not be that no-one – neither he nor his parents – have consistently come in the way of his natural inclinations?
By starting early, parents can be motivated to know that restraining of the will leads to life-time benefits. Eventually, the child would have a track record, giving him the self-assurance to declare to himself, “Hey, I don’t need that 3rd serving of ice-cream; I’m not used to having that much anyway.” This would extrapolate into many more future situations of self-control.
b. Beyond 4-years-old: Reason and talk with them
As mentioned, a mature 4-year-old may understand the more tangible reasons against overindulgence, such as obesity from overeating; bad eye sight from too many computer games, etc.
When he reaches 6-9 years of age, depending on maturity, parents can discuss with him other forms of possible addiction. This could be done by referring to newspaper articles on gambling, for instance, or advertisements about the fatal consequences of heavy smoking. They should be made aware of the strong lure of certain behaviours such as the use of personal money. At ten, prepare them for puberty: the hormone changes that occur, leading to sexual urges and an interest in the opposite sex. Before puberty sets in, discuss how possible temptations should be handled.
Gradually allow your children opportunities to exercise their freedom and practise temperance on their own. The earlier we allow them the better. Some ways to do this are to give them pocket money when they start primary school. It could be on a weekly basis. Discuss with him how he can spend it, what guidelines to use, how much to spend each time, why he should save some for future use. Give him opportunities to apply these ideas by bringing him to the shops with you on occasions.
The first time he visits a friend’s home, if you know that they are going to be on the X-Box, ask him how much time he plans to play on it. When he returns home, evaluate the outcome of his visit. Did your friend insist on extending computer time? What did you do? What did you do well? How could you improve the way you deal with it in the future? These discussions will equip him to handle situations of pressure in future.
In this way, he would progressively assimilate those reasons for temperance and take ownership of them.
By the time he reaches puberty, say at 15 years old, we have a fighting hope that he will extend his practice of temperance to other areas as well, eg, studying on his own, and avoiding pornography.
c. The importance of example
If our children are to ever succeed in self-control, they would have to witness it fleshed out in their parents. Our children will spend their money wisely if they have seen us making prudent purchases or, if it is an expensive item, doing so always with prior reflection/discussion. They will spend a sensible amount of time on the computer if they’ve seen us always using it for a fixed purpose, rather than surfing endlessly into the night.
On the other hand, after they have moved out, they may watch TV unrestrained, if they have grown up in a home where dad parks himself before the box nightly after work till late. A child who has witnessed temperance exercised in the home will be inspired to live the virtue.
A friend gave me recently a personal account of how we, as adults, can fall into excess easily too. For this friend, cooking was an alien skill. As she was married with children, the domestic helper normally did the cooking for the family. She decided that she wanted to start learning to cook; she decided to make it a point to prepare dinner for her family on Sundays, when the helper had the day off. Upon her first effort, much to her surprise and joy, she drew rave reviews from husband and children alike. For the next few days, she spent all her spare moments studying recipe books. Then she found herself stealing time from her responsibilities. Fortunately, at one point, she realised what was happening, and decided to just devote a fixed amount of time to her new-found interest.
We often expect our children to live by a schedule, to impose moderation on their time and activities. But do we do so ourselves? Busy parents who follow a timetable discover that besides being a good example to their kids, they feel more serene, are able to put their heart into what they are doing, and end up having time left over. Keeping to a planner often demands heroism but the rewards are well worth it. We increase our children’s chances of developing self-mastery, and we become better, happier people in the process.
Marjorie
is the chief coordinator of the Family Education Program of the
FES, a one-year parenting programme which was started in Singapore
in September 2000. It is designed to form parents as primary educators
of their children.
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