Educating your child in love, sex and life:
a difficult but crucial role of parents

In part 1, we looked at why it was so difficult for many parents to broach this area of their children's sexuality and acquainting them with the knowledge and skills to make the right decisions about future relationships. What can parents do and where do they start?


Part 2
What Parents Can Do

Apart from a common unease in most parents regarding the subject matter due to a lack of strong, traditional role models (our parents just didn't talk about these things with us), we saw that there was also a plethora of confusing sources of information for parents as well as the challenge to parents of their children accessing information without the necessary critical maturity to determine the accuracy of the information obtained from the Internet and other sources. There was also the sexualisation of our children through popular media creating a climate where casual sexual encounters are portrayed as the accepted norm with little to no allusion to the reality of the consequences of such encounters.

So what can a parent do in the face of all these challenges? Alot, is the answer, as many studies have shown, and the underlying key is the character formation or education of the child or teen!

Character Education

Teenagers have a wonderful capacity to tune things out. We all know, having been there ourselves in the distant past. But it is difficult to tune something out that is thrown at you day in, day out, year in, year out, for years on end. It is difficult not to internalize what is all around you, what you grow up with.

Welcome to the school of the HOME. For good, or bad, parents are in the unique position of giving their children no option but to be exposed to the values espoused in the home. Research has shown time and time again, that while peer pressure and the media can exert strong influences on a young person, it is the internalized values and the forming of the child's character in the formative years which can have the decisive influence on decisions the child as an adolescent or a young adult will make. This is one of the most important differences between the 15 year old Lickona talks about in Part 1 of the last issue who has never had sex ¹, and the other one who has and also engages in other high-risk behaviours.

In a recent study conducted by FES, it was shown that most young people would go to their parents for advice about important decisions regarding character and life goals² and this is backed up by the National Youth Survey (2002) done in Singapore where 75% of youths surveyed indicated that the first person they sought for advice in important decisions are their mothers, followed by their friends (65%), yet 60% (of the youths in the FES survey) had never or rarely talked about sex-related issues with their parents.

We should be asking ourselves why there is such a huge discrepancy, and in this most important issue, where are they getting their advice and information from?

Rather than be intimidated by this, parents should be empowered by realizing how much of an influence they can be with not just their younger children, but with their perhaps often rebellious and difficult teenager.

WHERE DO WE START?

In essence, teaching a young person about sex - its proper context - has to encompass three broad areas -
1. The FACTS!
2. Developing in them an authentic understanding of LOVE
3. Forming their CHARACTER.

a). The FACTS!

You can't get away from it - young people want to know about the biology of sexuality and procreation, the changes of puberty, contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. This was clear from a very recent study of a large number of Filippino youths who were surveyed on their attitudes towards sex and various sexuality issues where more than 2/3 of the youth and in some cases, 8 out of 10 listed the importance of knowing about things such as pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

As parents, we can leave it to the schools, as most parents are wont to do, or we can do the research ourselves. In today's world when information is at your fingertips at the press of a button, there is really no excuse for pleading ignorance. A good summary of some of the consequences of early sexual activity by teens can be found in an article by Robert Rector from the Heritage Foundation³. The statistics are American, but the factual listing of problems makes a compelling argument. (http://www.heritage.org/Research/Abstinence/BG1533.cfm)

 

b). REAL LOVE

So we cover the basic plumbing, the biology and the very real and possible consequences with them. But this is obviously not enough. In the same Filipino study, researchers found that youth today want to know also about the psychological and emotional aspects of sex - about feelings, love, desire and commitment.

It is not really surprising as human beings are social creatures, with a very strong need to love and be loved. What is the true meaning of love? Without getting too philosophical, we can start with what it is not! It is not the touchy-feely "love" of romantic novels, nor the Love-at-first-sight-let's-jump-into-the-sack-now "love" of just about every American movie or serial nowadays.

Love is more than just feeling or emotion, but is that grander, and yes, dare we say it, more noble, movement of the will to want what is best for the other person. The love between a man and a woman begins with attraction - physical, emotional, spiritual - and it matures and deepens with time to include companionship, fidelity, trust, even as his taut curves become love handles, or her laugh which used to delight begins to grate. Sounds familiar? Of course it does - every happy married couple goes through this and therefore we as parents, as happily married couples, are the best example of what real, lasting love can be. Love is a many-splendoured thing precisely because it encompasses perseverance, tolerance, respect for the dignity of the other person, generosity, forgiveness, empathy, selflessness.

If a young person has never practised some form of this in his or her relationships with others, what are the chances of him or her succeeding in the most important relationship of his or her life?

There are ample statistics you can quote to them about the benefits of a happy marriage (there are many useful websites offering these) but the best example you can give is the one that is lived between you and your spouse. You are the best ambassador of the institution of marriage - never mind that Lisa's parents have broken up, or that John's dad hits his mum when he is angry. When it comes to them deciding about marriage, it is not these marriages which will be their yardstick, but yours.

If their vision of love therefore is of a giving relationship wanting the best for the other, it would help to distinguish false claims to love ("If you love me, you will give me what I want, now!").

Young people need to be offered a vision of why they should be practising self-restraint when the messages coming from the media and even some of their friends say the direct opposite. Studies have shown that family composition, parental supervision, parental expectations for behaviour are among the biggest protective factors against early teen sex. In other words, what is going on at home completely dwarfs anything that is going on at school. As Dr Trevor Stammers, a wise British commentator put it: "Much teenage sex has little to do with sex itself, but is connected with searching for meaning, identity and belonging."

Carpe diem! Seize opportunities offered by the all-pervasive media (eg when a physically suggestive scene on TV comes up between a man and a woman, use this as an opportunity to ask them what they think) to start them thinking or talking to you. It is possible through these opportunities to begin to get them to open up and for you to gently propose ideas to your teen (though never to impose).

Get to know your children's friends. How else will you know the other important influence in their lives? Cultivate an atmosphere where they are comfortable inviting them over but you need to be firm about the ground rules from the beginning.

 

c). FORMING THEIR CHARACTER

This is the internalization of the values they are taught and exposed to in the home. A very wise educator called James Stenson once said that his definition of character is what you are left with when you have lost everything else. Character is what they use to form judgements and decisions about visiting that pornographic website or not when mum or dad is not around; or fooling around with their friends in the house when the parents are out; or respecting their friends for who they are instead of for what they have or what they will do for them; or doing what they believe is the right thing even if there is no one else to see it.

Character formation should begin even before they start primary school. Is it too late to start when they are already in their teens? No, of course not, but it is harder and the emphasis is not so much on the parents inculcating good habits in their children, but more of parents helping their older children begin a self-awareness journey to take personal responsibility for their own character development. It is beyond the scope of this article to go into this but I would refer you to Thomas Lickona's excellent article published on mercatornet called "Character-based sex education"⁴ which can give you many helpful ideas and insight into where to start and how to convince your teen about the importance of character formation.

 

In conclusion:

Talking to our kids about sex and emotional issues, marriage, commitment and the whole plethora of other issues associated with their sexuality is not easy! But what part of parenting is? I will leave you with just a few thoughts to think on:

• For something this important, don't leave it to "others" to give your children the information and the character formation to make right choices about their sexuality and relationships. This is pre-eminently the responsibility and the right of the parent. Abstinence programmes, sex-education classes at school, even the best of them, will fail without the crucial groundwork done by parents in the home.
  
  
• Interestingly, as with many aspects of parenting, the whole issue of tackling our children's approach to their sexuality and related matters actually begins with ourselves and our marriage, and the resulting home environment that evolves around the marriage. This is the "see" part of their training (which we may not even be aware of).
  
  
• Propose but never impose. This applies particularly to our adolescents who will simply tune out if we are too authoritarian with them. Talking to them is not about just one "birds and the bees" chat but is an on-going series of seized opportunities from ordinary events of the day, media images, chats about their friends, etc. (see Marion Neubronner's article in the last issue of Family Tone on tips on how to listen so that your teen will talk to you). This is the "hear" part of their training.
  
  
• Have faith in your teen - give him the right information, the life skills through character education - and trust in his capacity to make the right decisions. Are we not selling our children short by pessimistically deciding for them that they have no choice but to reduce risks as they are just not capable of risk avoidance (abstinence till marriage)? This is the "do" part of their training.

Good luck as you prepare, or are already going through, the emotional highs and lows of the adolescent years and beyond with your child. Help him or her to never lose sight of the wonder and joy of a fulfilling love and it will be easier for them to aim high!

Audrey is the editor of Family Tone.