Fortitude
by Marjorie Lim

The typical hedonist today does not aspire to anything larger and higher, but settles for 'feeling good'. Such a life does not require fortitude. - Doug McManaman

While reflecting on this topic, an incident took place in my home one night. My 4-year-old decided she wanted her daddy to brush her teeth. But her daddy was busy finishing up work. She screamed and cried all the while I was executing the job.

We know of persons who have exercised determination and endurance in order to attain unreasonable or frivolous goals. Besides the example of my 4-year-old, another would be the present phenomenon of young working people who clock hours of honest, professional work on weekdays, only to spend it all at the weekend on branded clothes and binge-drinking.

These are, unfortunately, not examples of fortitude in its true sense, since fortitude is 'the guard and support of the other virtues'¹ and needs to be subject to, among other things, sound judgement and, especially in the case of a 4 year old, obedience to parents!

What is fortitude?

Fortitude empowers us to make hard decisions directed at a worthwhile goal and to stick to what is right in the face of difficulties. It is an inner toughness. We stay focused on this goal rather than succumbing to inconvenience, discouragement, pain, and even our own earlier failures. Courage, resilience, determination, endurance and a healthy self-confidence are all aspects of fortitude. Setbacks, sufferings and a refusal to feel sorry for one's self can build character.²

A worthwhile goal

What is that 'worthwhile goal' then that we focus on? A good PSLE aggregate, or a place in a top Secondary school? At first glance, we may not be able to think of any other worthwhile goals besides these when it comes to parenting.

Academic success is certainly important and a worthwhile goal which Singaporean parents can all too easily identify with and don't need to be persuaded about. It is useful to remind ourselves, though, that the value of a person, our child in particular, is much more than an aggregate mark in an exam. Children need to be convinced that their life has a purpose unique to each child/person. However insignificant and useless one's life may seem, each individual, by contributing in some way to the lives of those around him, makes a difference that is much greater than if that individual, even with every worldly success, had lived solely to please himself. Each one of us can love, leave himself behind, serve others, surpass his personal 'best' in order to yield more.³

This then, is the worthwhile goal - to make of our lives, something meaningful. When we reflect on common end-of-life regrets that people have, it is not about missing out on that holiday in Hawaii in 1998, or that $200 000 missed on that deal of a lifetime, or of not having owned a BMW or a larger house. The regrets are usually about family, about not having given of one's self enough - of not having loved enough, not having spent enough time with your child when he was growing up, of being alone now because you hadn't taken the time to cherish and nourish friendships and relationships. In other words, so many of the material things and markers of success we had put so much importance upon dwindle to insignificance beside the sad recognition that perhaps when life ends for that person, it may well do so without leaving a ripple because it had been spent pursuing the wrong things. Knowing this, trying to develop a consciousness in our children of their place in the world and to have that generosity of spirit to make a difference is a paramount responsibility of parents and nothing takes the place of one-on-one chat times with our children.

Pass on positive attitudes towards work
'Work is love made visible' - Kahlil Gibran

Andrew Mullins believes that passing on positive attitudes towards work is possibly the best way to teach fortitude⁴.

Our children may have heard us using phrases like "nothing is accomplished but by hard work" but how is our own attitude towards work? Many of us parents may show great enthusiasm for weekends and holidays, while we lament about our workload. If we want our children to give prestige to their work, we need to set the example of optimism and resilience with regards to our work. If they sense that our aim in life is to minimise work and maximise fun, we shouldn't be surprised if our children end up as part of the binge-drinking phenomenon.

Setting an example of fortitude

How else can we live out the virtue fortitude at home? Among other things, let the children see us:

1. being ready to get up from the comfort of an armchair to get something done, rather than asking someone else to do it;
2. attending to the little things that need to be done without any fuss, instead of procrastinating;
3. actively put off worrying about things that we have no control of, instead of complaining about them;
4. following a timetable so that we maximise the use of our time.

Fostering the virtue in our children

To live fortitude can be as simple as giving up a piece of candy, waiting to eat until everyone has sat down at the dinner table, to the other extreme of heroically giving up one's life for another person. Each day when we force ourselves to do the little, difficult things out of love for others, we grow in this virtue.

To develop this virtue means resisting our natural selfishness and desire for what is pleasurable as well as resisting the very natural urge to avoid what takes effort. It means we have to be demanding with ourselves and our children.

1. Not giving in to the wants and demands of the children
   
   If we want our children to be strong, to be able to handle pain, to face difficulties with courage, to possess determination and energy, we must resist the temptation to resolve their problems for them.
   
   Sometimes it is a whole lot easier to "fix" things for them - to write that note to get them out of trouble at school, to just do the chore yourself because you are sick of reminding them to do it, to spell that word out for them instead of getting them to look it up in the dictionary or trying first to spell it themselves, to give in to their complaints of boredom and letting them play that extra half hour on the computer instead of sticking to the timetable. The list is endless. But what are we depriving them of when we "fix' things for them? Opportunities to learn endurance of character and enterprise, says Mary Ann Budnik which she says are the 2 parts of fortitude⁵.
   
   By making them face the consequences of their actions, even if it involves punishment, by making them persevere in something they don't like doing, by helping them where necessary but allowing them to find the solution to problems themselves, they grow in maturity, endurance, enterprise and a sense of self-worth. They grow in fortitude.
   
   
2. A sign that fortitude is developing in your children is when you know that they want to do something else, but instead, they stay behind to help a sibling or you. This is endurance.
   
   If a parent has to keep reminding a child to do his homework, fortitude has not taken root. If you have to daily remind your children to do their chores, fortitude has not taken root yet, at least not in that area.
   
   If this is your child, it may be time to sit down with the child and to look at the problem together, to explain, if it is not clear to him, why it is something that needs to be improved, and to work out what needs to be done. Of course, progress may be in little steps, depending on age and maturity. For instance, progress would be evident if he does his chores with just one gentle reminder instead of three threats, or if she does it with a reminder, but without complaining. At an appropriate time, parents could work towards the next level.
   
   How can you teach your children to push themselves despite difficulties or hardships? Involvement in sports, in demanding activities like helping out with specific household chores like washing the car (this may actually require more fortitude on your part!), gardening (if you are lucky enough to own a garden!), joining in community activities with the aged or the less fortunate, are all examples of opportunities to stretch them to push on despite tiredness, heat, routine, boredom even.
   
   
3. Enterprise, the second part of the virtue of fortitude helps us to undertake great deeds while withstanding hardship. It comprises initiative which is simply the recognition of a need and the willingness to take on the responsibility to carry out the plan for the good of others.
   
   When your child comes to you with an idea (an initiative), foster this beginning of enterprising fortitude by encouraging him. Adults too often latch on to the negatives of an idea which perhaps the child has not been able to reason out yet, and stifle this early seed of fortitude.
   
   See how you can help your child achieve his goal even if it seems initially frivolous or impossible as courage comes from the support of others. If you encourage the initiatives of your children, you will be allowing them the freedom to stretch their wings while under your guidance and supervision. It will help to prevent teen rebellion later, and fosters early in the child, the self-confidence to be courageous and to try to stretch his abilities, and to learn from his successes, and failures.
   
   
4. Have the fortitude to let your children suffer the consequences of their actions. Love them enough to let them struggle and possibly fail. The second time they struggle, they will probably succeed
   
   If they forget their lunch money, don't run to them with it. If your child forgets until the last minute to do his homework, don't do it for him.
   
   Mary Ann Budnik says that too often we try to create a "perfect" world for our children because we don not want them to suffer. But in life, success is never guaranteed. There are triumphs and failures, starts and stops. By creating an artificial environment where everything is perfect for the child, he will never learn to fight, to persevere when the going gets tough⁶.

On a personal note

Can I throw my child in at the deep end without him feeling he is drowning… alone? How can I teach my child to face up to the harsh realities of life and yet be loving parents? Is it possible to achieve both? Yes! While we should allow our children to face the music alone where necessary, as parents, we should be there to support them throughout their 'trials'.

My 9-year-old son is skinny, timid and not inclined to sport. When my husband and I wanted him to start swimming a few years ago, it was a failed attempt - he was terrified of the swimming instructor, so we discontinued classes, only on the condition that he agree to personal coaching from daddy. After some time, he managed to dog-paddle on his own. We then decided that we wanted to give him something more serious, to, among other things, foster fortitude. So we did something that people still consider crazy: we enrolled him in a swimming club that provides swimming classes 3 times a week, 2 hours per lesson… at night! Guess what? Success! And he is still swimming there till today.

How did it happen? We prepared him till he was excited by the vision of himself as a super fit sportsman. It helped that he had 4 cousins already in that club. He started off quite happy but as with anything difficult, the going got tough after a while. He would cry on coming back to a darkened home (the rest were already in bed), feeling sorry for himself, cold and hungry. Our first instinct was to suggest discontinuing the classes, but we didn't. We would listen to his woes ('we always swim non-stop for two hours, you know, and I was shivering'), encourage him and keep him company as he took his night snack and packed his bag for school. The next morning, he'd be cheerful and upbeat about life again. And classes continued.

Occasionally when we felt that he might get too discouraged and might not persevere, we would take him home early, ½ to 1 hour before the lesson ended. He started to make friends and to our surprise, actually looked forward to his classes.

He's now used to his swim classes and even has some successes to share (today I was second fastest, because many were absent and there were only five of us)… once in a blue moon.

Because of this episode, it hit us recently that difficult goals can be achieved for our children, and we should never underestimate them. One key factor (a useful piece of advice we picked up) was that we made it a point never to give in to his pleas directly, eg, "I don't want to go swimming tomorrow." Our response would never be "O well, ok." Attendance was not negotiable. But on our own, we would bridge the issue by going to pick him up early, if we felt it necessary. The point was to help him build up his own record of long-term success in having persevered in his classes.

To end

Whether it is in their learning or any other aspect of their personalities, let us encourage our children to exercise fortitude without comparing their achievements, to achieve their personal best. This is where as parents, we can develop patience, part of the virtue of fortitude, which 'moves us to be understanding with others, for we are convinced that souls like good wine, improve with time.'⁷

Then once again, with our example, we will live out this beautiful saying, that could be the motto of our lives: "Where there is love, there is no labour. And where there is labour, it is a labour of love."⁸

Resource Material 1. John Locke, philosopher, 1632-1804 2. Andrew Mullins, "Parenting for Character", p56 3. David Isaacs, "Character Building", p33 4. Andrew Mullins, op. cit. 5. Mary Ann Budnik: Raise Happy Children…Teach Them Virtues p201 6. Ibid p208 7. St Josemaria Escriva, 'Friends of God', No 79 8. Unknown

Marjorie is the chief coordinator of the Family Education Program of the FES, a one-year parenting programme which was started in Singapore in September 2000. It is designed to form parents as primary educators of their children.