M Is for Modesty,
not Mini-skirts
by Karen Neo

Have you heard of that mobile phone ring tone that is supposed to be set at a pitch which parents can't hear? I sometimes wonder if there is a mantra going on amongst our young ladies today which parents are not meant to hear - something like "The Barer the Better, the Shorter the Hotter"! ". In this day and age where wearing less seems to be more, the word 'modesty' is a very much maligned word.

With the likes of skimpily-clad Hollywood celebrities such as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, it is no wonder though, that young people these days have no qualms about bearing their flesh in public-- in fact, the more the better, it would seem.

Parents, on the other hand, are having a hard time educating their teenage daughters on the values of modesty and decency. Our permissive social culture today has sadly pervaded the domains of traditional institutions such as school and church, where skirts are getting progressively shorter in spite of the strict rules of dressing upheld by both institutions.

As a teacher of four years, I was often appalled by the stratospheric ascent of the hemline of their school uniform where the effort to lengthen the skirt often only lasted for a day, if I was lucky. One thing is clear from this: our youths have, unwittingly or otherwise, become victims of a media-saturated culture where the complete freedom of self-expression is the chant of the day. And this force is much stronger than what we imagined it to be.

The Cult of Individualism

In order to tackle this force better, we need to first understand it. While most societies in the past were generally conservative, esteeming the values of modesty and decency, globalization in the past two decades has allowed for the freer exchange of ideas and cultures. Most societies, especially the more developed ones, have since thrived economically and socially as well. However, what has also been passed on is a certain deep preoccupation with the self, especially in the area of one's rights.

There have been many fights for human rights, with the fights against child labour and forced prostitution counting as the more significant and laudable ones. There have also been fights for the freedom of individual expression, such as the freedom of speech and that of artistic expression, with a lot less attention being paid to the responsibility that comes with expressing these freedoms.

As more and more people become aware of their 'rights', a self-centred individualism has evolved as material well-being becomes more attainable for more. Widespread, proliferating media push the idea of self-gratification at all costs and before all else. Values become defined not by objective moral standards but by these often vacuous media forms that perpetuate and raise our hedonistic, pleasure-seeking culture to new heights.

Individualism versus True Individual Identity

Individualism leads to the self becoming increasingly insecure and fragile with the existence of competing ideas of self-worth and dignity brought about by globalization. One's worth as a person is often measured by his or her external appearance propagated primarily by the media in the form of slimming ads, waif-like catwalk models and celebrities (and usually skimpily-clad too), to name a few. The free expression of oneself through one's dressing, though immodestly, is often applauded as courage in asserting one's identity.

However, this begs the question of whose identity is asserted here: is it really that of the individual concerned or that of the world's? To me, it is more the case of the latter since there can be no individual identity asserted when one is merely dressing the way everyone else does.

To take the stand of modesty which is simply to dress with the dignity, flair and style that reflects and respects one's own unique personality and personhood, is in fact a true mark of one's character and individuality. Where is this precious individual identity an unthinking follower of current fashion celebrates, when all she is doing is allowing herself to be dictated to by fashion trends as to what she should and shouldn't wear? The courage to stand up for one's own values and principles is the courage that should be applauded and emulated, not the slavish copying of a dress code that says a woman is and means nothing beyond the attraction she can gain from a man.

In truth, immodest dressing reflects emotional immaturity and insecurity and speaks of an "inordinate preoccupation with the self", according of D. McManaman in 'Teenage Modesty and the Beautiful'. As written in a recent Indianapolis report, "those who minimize the correlation between immodesty and sexual promiscuity deceive themselves and others." When one realizes the attention she receives from baring more flesh than usual, it is likely that she would want reveal more so as to garner more attention, and that is where immodesty runs into sexual liberalness.

The Freeing Effects of Modesty

Modesty, on the other hand, is defined as the "freedom from conceit or vanity" as well as "propriety in dress, speech, or conduct", according to the Merriam Webster dictionary. Unfortunately, it is a "freedom" that many teenagers are unaware of and even if they are, disdain it completely. Being modest in conduct and dressing should not be seen as enslavement but a freedom we can exercise to unshackle ourselves from the unhealthy influence of the world's values, which is the truly binding one.

Dressing modestly reflects one's interior disposition and his or her love for himself or herself. It is also an outward expression of our love for others through protecting them from impurity. Purity here is not just about sexual chastity but is really about the uprightness of one's intentions, a certain lifestyle: do our intentions and desires tend towards the good? This is the question that we need to ask ourselves constantly if we truly want to live the virtue of modesty in our lives.

I once had the interesting experience of conducting a survey with my male students on the school attire of their fellow female peers. When asked what they thought of it, many instantaneously remarked-and with a disapproving look-- that they found many of their skirts too short and rather unbecoming. They could not understand why they would want to wear such short skirts. This incident was enough to tell me that guys do actually know what is appropriate and inappropriate dressing, and the respective messages that are sent out through such dressing. Of course, this is not to say that all females should be covered up from head to toe at all times but they should always be dressed appropriately as befits the occasion and always with the dignity of someone who respects herself.

The question teenagers need to ask themselves today is what kind of person do they wish to attract: Is it someone who sees the real beauty within you or someone who sees you merely as a sexual object? If it is the former (which I believe is the case for most girls, hopefully) then maybe we should help him appreciate our inner beauty more by not distracting him with our audacious dressing.

The Influence of Parents

Finally, what needs to be realized is that parents play an extremely important role in imparting the value of modesty to their children. What, however, is often not realized is that more effort needs to be made to do so in order to combat the huge influence of the media on their children. Though media influence may be huge given its pervasiveness, it can never overpower the even stronger influence parents have on their children with the presence of their constant care and guidance. This is the power that parents need to realize that they have and utilize it to the fullest.

However, care needs to be taken in educating the child lest she be seen as from another era. Begin by building up her self-worth, making her aware of who she really is, and the importance of having a strong moral compass in life. Once that is done, I believe that the young child would not easily succumb to the lures of the world in whatever forms they take.

I say this because much of my belief in modesty is attributed to my mother who religiously (no pun intended) made sure I dressed appropriately at all. She would promptly ask me to change my clothes should she deem them too revealing. Naturally, I resented it as a young girl as I wanted to be in the 'in' group in school. However, with the passing of years, I began to appreciate the value of modesty she inculcated in me which has provided me with a sense of self-assuredness. So, parents, do not be daunted when your child resents you for 'cramming' her style of dressing because she will eventually thank you for it when she grows older. Just like how I am thankful to my mom now.

Karen comes from a background in education and was involved in mentoring students during her days as a teacher at a junior college.